Feeling Meh

It has been a mixed up year so far. I’m constantly aware there are those out there really suffering or those in the thick of it saving lives and working with sick or bringing lives into the world. I am in awe of you, if this is you! Thank you.🌈Before covid was even a thing I beat myself up when I was having a crap day because I don’t feel I deserve to complain. I’m not out there putting myself at risk to help others!! Now, amidst this new normal, this madness we’ve started to accept as normality, knowing how difficult this situation really is for many, I feel even worse when I am feeling like absolute crap in myself. I’m not lying on a hospital bed fighting for my life, so when I feel this way, I hate myself for it!! I should be so thankful and grateful but some days, try as I might, I don’t have it in me! I live in a body that I’ve never learned to love, much as I try and try. I live in a head that worries constantly about everything but yet doesn’t care about anything some days. It’s a constant battle and unless you’ve had anxiety or depression or both🙌🏼you will never understand! I feel like people are always looking for a chink in my armour and boy there are many. I preach to be kind and help others etc but over the last few weeks I’ve seriously looked at myself in as raw and open a way that I can. Its not pretty!! I am someone that, hate it as I may, I seek people’s approval and I want to be liked. I’ve made mistakes in situations and I beat myself up about these more than anyone else ever could. Actually Its easy on here to feel ok about yourself when you post something and get lovely comments and feedback. I have been quiet recently on here due to struggles going on in my own little world and for those of you still awaiting response to messages etc I am sorry!

I am blessed to have a group of amazing friends who know when I go silent that all is not well and despite rejected calls and messages I don’t respond to, they persist. I feel so undeserving of friends like these, yet I honestly don’t know how I’d have gotten through this last year without them. There are situations I wish I’d have handled differently but when I am feeling hurt, I act on emotions and not thought. To anyone out there I’ve hurt, regardless of how or why, I am sorry. Ive been talked about, lied about and to and I know that gut wrenching anxiety of not being able to control what people think regardless of how hard I try. A quote from an audiobook I listen to frequently by Wayne Dyer says something along the lines of... you can’t control what people will think and say about you, your reputation is in the hands of others, all you can control is your character. This is something I’ve always struggled with, but in reality, it is true and I’m coming to accept it more as the years go by.

Regardless of this, there are some people that have faded from life for whatever reason and sometimes hard and painful as that may be it is what it is and you must carry on. Grudges are wasted time, people make mistakes, lessons are learned and life goes on. It is so fleeting, so fragile & regardless of how much you may wish for people to be in your life, or things to go back to how they used to be, it’s not meant to be, and will never be again. Everything that has happened, like it or not, happens for a reason and you can either regret it or embrace it and learn to grow from it. How others treat me is their path and how i react is theirs. Sending love out to you all dealing with life right now, if some days you feel you are surviving and not thriving you’re not alone.

See the light in others and treat them as if that’s all you see.

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